Family Cycle (I) - Euphoric and Dysphoric Cycles in Marriage

But the biological, physiological and biochemical facts were less than the fashionable theories of marriage, the narratives and the feminists, the reasons to engage in marriage are marriage are large remaining the same. True, there have been role reversals and new stereotypes have cropped up. amenable to modern critisms of culture. Men are still men and women are still women in more than one respect.

Men and women marry for the same reasons:

The Sexual Dyad - forming due to sexual attraction and in order to secure a stable, consistent and permanently available source of sexual gratification.

The Economic Dyad - the former a functioning economic unit of the members of the dyad and the additional entrants will be more than wealth than it consumes and the synergy between its members is likely to lead to gains in production and in productivity relative to individual efforts and investment.

The Social Dyad - The members of the couple bond as a result of implicit or explicit, direct, or indirect social pressure. In Judaism, a person can not belong to some religious vocations, unless he is They are condonned by society, ridiculed, shunned and isolated, effectively ex-communicated. Part to avoid these sanctions and partly to enjoy the The old fashioned, nuclear marriage is one of many variants. Children are returned by single parents. Homosexual couples abound. But in all this turbulence, a pattern is discernible: almost 95% of the adult population gets married extremely. They settle into a two-member arrangement, so formalized and sanctioned religiously or legally - or not.

The Companionship Dyad - Formed by adults in search of sources, emotional warmth, empathy, care, good advice and intimacy. The members of these couples tend to define themselves as each other & # 39; s best friends.

It is folk wisdom to state that the first three types of dyad arrangements suffer from instability. Sexual attrition in most cases. This can lead to the adoption of non-conventional sexual behavior patterns (sexual abstinence, group sex , couple swapping, etc.) - or recurrent maritime infidelity. Economics are not sufficient grounds for a lasting relationship, either. domineering-discipllinarian pattern of relationship. It is replaced by a more balanced, business like, version with children and the couple & # 39; s welfare and life standard as the products.

Social pressures are as a potent maintainer of family cohesiveness and appearance stability. But - being enforced from the outside - it resembles detention more notice Also, a social norms, peer pressure, social conformity - can not be relied upon to fulfill the roles of stabilizer and shock absorber reliably. Norms change, peer pressure can adversely influence the survival of the marriage ("If all my friends are divorced and apparently content, why should not I try it, too?").

While is not the companionship dyad, while sex deteriorates, economic motives are reversible or voidable, and social norms are fickle - companionship, like wine, gets better with time. Even when planed on the After closely scrutinizing the background. most closely scrutinizing the storm, this is obdurate seed sprouts and blossoms. "Matchmaking is done in heaven" goes the old Jewish saying but Jewish matchmakers were not averse to lending the divine process a hand. of both candidates - a marriage was pronounced. In other cultures, marriages were arranged by prospective or actual fathers without asking for the embryos or the toddlers "consent.

The surprising fact is that arranged marriages last long longer than those, which are, ostensibly, the result of romantic love. Also: the longer a couple cohabitates prior to the marriage, the higher the likelihood of divorce. So, romantic love and cohabitation ( "getting to know each other better") are negative precursors and predictors of maritime longevity, contrary to commonsense.

Companionship grows out of friction within a formal deviation of "escape clauses". In marriages where divorce is not an option (due to prohibitive economic or social costs or due to impossibility) - companionship will grudgingly develop and with with it Sex is fire - companionship is old slippers: comfortable, static, useful, warm This is a reflex. This attachment is to refresh. We attach to other mothers and have mothers attach to us. In the absence of social interactions, we die younger. We need to bond and create create dependency in others.

The maritime cycle is composed of euphorias and dysphorias. They are the sources of our dynamism in seeking out mates, copulating, coupling (marrying) and reproducing. The source of these changing moods is to be Previous rites of passage (like the Jewish Bar Mitzvah, the Christian Communion and more exotic rites elsewhere) prepare us only a part of the meaning that we attach to our marriages. irrevocable, irreversible and serious entry into adult society. to the shock of realizing that we are about to emulate our parents.

During the first years of our lives, we tend to view our parents as omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent demigods (or complete gods). Our perception of them, of ourselves and of the world is magical. All are entangled, constantly interacting, identity As we grow up (addiction) we rebel against our parents (interview) We are disillusioned, they are internalized to be the first and most important. They the primordial gods of our infancy never die, nor do they lie dormant. They lurk in our superego, conducting an incessant dialogue They are constantly criticize and analyze, make suggestions and reproach. The hiss of these voices is the background radius of our personal big bang.

This is a rebellion so momentous, so all encompassing, touching upon the, so to gods, to get married, to to become gods, to commit sacrilege, to violate the very existence of our mother and father, to defile the the sanctum of our formative years. This, indeed, is the first dysphoria, which the first dysphoria, which the first person dysbol, horrible punishment that, awaits us for being presidentptuous and iconoclastic. This mental preparations. Preparedness is achieved at We deny, we regress, we repress, we repress, we project - to no avail. The battle is waged and it is horrific to behold. Luckily, only its echoes reach our consciousness and only in our dreams does it find a fuller (though more symbol laden) expression.

This self-induced panic is on the one hand, the person knows that it is absolutely life threatening to remain alone (both biologically and psychologically). A feeling of urgency emerges which propels the person with a great thrust to The reaction is to know the feeling of impending disaster, that he is ising something wrong, that an act of blasphemy and sacrilege is in the making. The terra cognita of one & # 39; s neighborhood, country, language, race, culture, language, background, profession, social stratum, education. The individual defines himself by belonging to these groups. There, in the confidence of yore, he seeks to find the security of morrow. Solace can be found in familiar grounds. The panicked pers True: the same social class, profession, race, creed and breed. The dysphoria is replaced by an euphoria.

Subjecting the internal tyrants (or guides, depending on the character of the primary objects) of yesteryear qualifies the young This is patricide and matricide committed with great trepidation and pain. But the victory is rewarding all the same and it leads to feelings of renewed vigor, new He gushes forth (He gushes forth), He gushes forth , he resounds with the tintinnabulation of a better future, his eyes glint, his speech revives. In short, he is immersed in romantic love. Being a suitor is a full time emotional job. The chances of success are enhanced the mor The more successfully resolved the previous, dysphoric phase - the more vivid the ensuing euphoric one and the larger the chances of mating, generation and reproduction.

The next anti-climatic dysphoric phase transpires when the attempts to secure (the consent of) a mate is met with success. It is easier and more satisfying to Mundane routine is the enemy of love and of optimism. This is where all dreams end and harsh reality intrudes with its uncompromising claims. The assent of the future spouse forces the The emotional investment is about to acquire economic and social dimensions. The weight is growing heavier, the commitment deeper, the escape remooter, the end inevitable. The person feels trapped , shackled, threatened. His newfound stability flounders. He staggers along a way of no return leading to what looks like a dead end. The strength of these negative emotions depends, The worse the earlier (and only) available example - the mighty the sense of entrapment and the result paranoia and backlash.

They get married in a religious institution, or in a civil court, or sign a contract, or make their own arrangements. The formality resides in the institutionalization of the relationship - not This decision, this leap of faith is the corridor, which leads to the palatial hall of post-nuptial euphoria.

Economic benefits, social approval, familial support, the envious reactions of the younger, the the status (the married) is mostly a social reaction. The control that he exercises over his "expectations and joys of marriage (freely available sex, children, lack of parental or societal control, newly experienced unrestrained and almost unconstrained freedoms). He feels confidence, his self esteem skyrockets, he sets high goals and seriously intends to achieve them. To Howe, everything is possible, now that it is supported by his mate. With luck and the right partner, this frame of mind can last and be prolonged. Howe The reserves of energy and determination, ver, as life & # 39; s disappointments accumulate, obstacles mount, the possible sorted out from the improbable and time inexorably passes - the feeling of well being and of willingness to take on the world and its challenges abates. dwindle. Gradually, the person slides into a dysphoric (even anhedonic or depressed) mood which colors his entire life.

The coloration stops at nothing. The tranquilities of the moms, their mundane attributes, the mydria of the dreams (but literally construed) and the reality of our day to day existence - these erodes his previous horizon. It tends to shrink and He feet suffocated and in his bitterness and agony, in his fear of entrapment, he lashes at his spouse. She is to him this dead end situation. Had it not been for this new responsibility - He would not have a life atrophy that. Thoughts of breaking loose, of going back to the parental nest, of revoking the arrangements agreed upon beginning to frequent the troubled mind and to intrude upon al planning. Dismantling the existing is a frightening prospect. Again, panic sets it. Conflict rears its ugly head. Cognitive dissonance abounds. Inner turmoil leads to irresponsible, self-defeating and self-destructive behavior. A lot of marriages end here. Those th at survive do so because of children.

From his opinion of a bottle tensions, an exit from numbing boredom, from professional inertia and "death" - both members of the couple (providing them still possess the minimum wish to "save" the marriage The woman finds it an attractive and efficient way of securing the bonding, fastening the relationship and transforming it into a long-term commitment. Bringing a child to the world is perceived by her to be a "double whammy". On the other hand, it is in the other hand, it is the ultimate Manifestation of her femininity. Children are, therefore, brought to the world as an insurance policy against the disintegration of their parents "relations. Love and attachment follow later.

The male reaction is more compounded. The man realizes that a child will only "drag him deeper" into the quagmire. The quicksand It then grants and gives way to a sense of awe and wonder. As it increases, it becomes all-pervasive. A psychedelic feeling of being part parent (to the own parents) ensues. The birth of the child and his first stages of development only serve to deepen this odd sensation.

It is emotionally taxing. It is emotionally taxing. It is emotionally taxing. It is emotionally taxing. It is emotionally taxing. It is a full- The period of collaboration and reciprocity, of mutual support and increasing love An euphoric phase sets in. Everything else pales along the little miracle. The child becomes the center of Narcissistic feelings, of hopes and fears, the heart of an emotional tornado. So much is vested and invested in him and, initially, the The more autonomous a child child gives so much in return that it blots away the daily problems, tedious procedures, failures, disappointments and aggravations. the children's adolescence, the dysfunction of a couple, the members of which grows apart, the fact that the more in frustrating, the more innocent - the less rewarding, and are estranged - set the scenery and pave the way to the next major dysphoria: the midlife crisis.

This person, essentially, is a crisis of reckoning, a realization and assimilation of one & # 39; s mortality. The person looks back and sees how little he has achieved, how short the time left, how unreal his expectations were and are, how alienated he is from his society, his country, his culture, his closest, how ill-equipped he is to accept with all this and how irrelevant and unhelpful is marriage is. , a Potemkin village, a facade behind which rot and corruption has vitality. This seems to be a last chance to recuperate, to recover lost ground, to strike one more time. Aided by others & # 39; youth ( a young lover, students, his own children, a young partner or consultant, a start up company) the person tries to recreate his beginnings in a vain effort to make amends, not to commit the same mistakes twice.

This crisis is exacerbated by the "empty nest" syndrome (as children grow up and live the parental home). A major topic of consensus, a catalyst of interaction between the members of the couple that disappears. Most of them are discovered that they lost faith in their powers to rejuvenate each other . They are out of a fresher (younger) atmosphere. And out they go. Those who do remain, revert to accommodation rather than love, to co-existence rather to experience, to As biological decay sets in, the couple heads into the ultimate dysphoria: aging and death.